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Dec. 21, 2012, comes and goes and we’re all here to read this

Posted: January 24, 2013 - 10:54am

Back when a few of the geezoids currently running our Congress had just started to teethe, some stoner ancient Mayan nerds, after quaffing one too many kegs of a brew of toxic psychotropic green honey called Balché, declared the world would be burnt toast on Dec. 21, 2012. 

They blew it.

That blunder by a culture that insisted on carving highly accurate astrological equipment out of rock instead of on something fashionable they could hawk at local street fairs reflects a fatal flaw in their basic intellect, including a propensity to be mystified when party-time rolled around and there was a sudden dearth of sacrificial virgins within a 500-mile radius of their temples. 

Yes, it’s cool that millenniums ago they were able to calculate the length of the lunar moon as 329.53020 days, missing it only by 34 seconds but they never learned to lay off the bee sauce so here we are with deeply discounted survival bunkers already available on Craigslist. 

For those of you who delayed paying your bills and ran up huge Visa charges betting on being atomized on Dec.21 there’s still hope something might be out there that will clean your slate and your clock at the same time.

Sun Storms are cranking up and may bring more than rockin’ auroras. A few scientists (no relation to the snookered Mayans) believe that we are in for some hits of radiation energy that will knock out power grids, trash satellites and microwave our food sources while popping the human race like a cosmic batch of kettle corn. Solar storms are cyclic and some nasty ones are due early in 2013 just about the time our Congress (obviously not sober) finally realizes that “The Fiscal Cliff” is not a new vogue watering hole in D.C. 

There is a bright side though. 2012 was a bit of a downer for a few ultimate doom scenarios.

The mega 27km tunnel they built in Europe to house the world’s dominant particle accelerator was fired off without creating the miniature black holes that some worried would have sucked the earth down to the size of a crushed hockey puck. The only thing smashed was the NHL season resulting in a few bruised egos and unemployed players signing up for cage fights in hopes of bringing normality back into their lives while snagging a few bucks for a beer run. 

Things also seem to be looking weaker for a few religious sects that still believe that Armageddon is set up for the final battle between good and evil any second now resulting in awesome fireworks displays that will highly annoy law enforcement officials and small dogs with delicate bladders. 

Don’t get too cocky. Interestingly enough, the Chinese Book of Changes as well as a few Hindu teachings agree that something may be in the wind that’s bigger than a biker riot in Sturgis such as the charming super volcano in Yellowstone National Park. It is way overdue for a major dust-up that will block the sun with atmospheric ash resulting in the Earth experiencing a 15,000 year-long winter. This upheaval will probably spur the EPA into issuing emergency regulations limiting volcanic eruption emissions and perhaps reconsider its stance on global warming causing Al Gore to pout.

Let’s not forget a pack of physicists at Berkeley who have nothing else to do but play with numbers and look thoughtful. The product of their specific ponders continues to predict that we are on the fast track for a catastrophic event as early as 2013. 

Could it be a change in the magnetic field that shields us from the sun’s radiation if solar storms don’t put us on broil first? 

If you were not aware of the fact that the magnetic poles like to switch places every 750,000 years or so, you are now. We’ve past that milestone by 30,000 years. When the switch occurs we will lose our UV shield for an elongated period of time and “deep fried” will become a skin condition.

And so it goes. There always seems to be some
natural disaster scenario out there that’s suddenly going to put us on puree before we finish our morning
coffee. 

Try not to worry too much about them though because Homer is on the fast track to save the world. Soon the skies will clear and the threat of environmental disasters will diminish because a few local politicians took on the forces of E-vile and will wipe out one of their primary weapons of mass destruction, the plastic shopping bag. 

Ya know, come to think of it, a double shot of Balché might do us all a bit of good about now, if things blow we won’t care and if they don’t we might catch a glimpse of what the Mayans really foresaw — kind of like reality TV, only a lot less mind-numbing.

Nick can be reached at ncvarney@gmail.com if he isn’t standing on a hill somewhere mumbling something to someone no one else can see.

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